Sunday, November 4, 2012

Thoughts


Tonight in her quiet moaning voice Clara asked for Kate to come lay by her on the couch. I don't know if it's possible for a picture to overwhelm me with gratitude while at the same time breaking my heart, but that's what it does for me. She wanted her sister close. Of course it caused me to wonder if she knows what tomorrow brings.

Clara has been blind for a couple weeks. The only normal thing she has left is food. 
She hasn't been sleeping much lately so we have become short order cooks and baggie fillers at all hours of the day. But the thing is, she doesn't eat any of it. At least not much of it. 
It's tiring and exhausting and frustrating. We know it's nothing compared to what she is going through. 
All we can do is imagine. And cry. Lots of crying.

We've prepared ourselves to say goodbye more times than I can remember anymore.
Her heart always bounces back. And her breathing regulates. On Friday afternoon her heart rate was 48. By 9pm on Friday night it was back up to 120. Her will is so strong! 
One of these days she is not going to bounce back. Her spirit will no longer be in her broken body.

Along with the overwhelming grief I anticipate a great sense of relief will also wave through us.
We belong to that group of parents now who have helplessly watched their child suffer physical agony and we won't be the last. I spend my days thinking and planning what I will do for those parents who will one day experience what we are. 

I just hope some good may come of Clara's trial and our experience. I have been forever changed and truly believe it has been for my good. Clara has been an amazing teacher.




27 comments:

Kristi Bair said...

My heart breaks for you. You are a brave mama. We continue to pay for little Clara's flight to God's arms.
God bless you and yours... <3

Hannah said...

I've been faithfully checking your blog - waiting for the inevitable and so so sad for your family and for sweet Clara.

Praying the Lord would rescue her from her pain.

Awaiting the day when this world will be renewed and all pain will be gone.

xoxoxo
Hannah

[M] said...

Love you! Sending up lots of prayers on your behalf from afar:)

Eric the Murse said...

Dearest Woodwards:

I have read, often in tears, of your account. I simultaneously relate yet don't. You guys were so very dear to me when I had the privilege of caring for you all, and you are still so very near and dear to my heart now.

Please know my family is praying for you all, for peace, for comfort, and for His grace, however that might take form in your current trials.

Please give your dearest Clara (and each other) hugs for me,

Eric the Murse

Anonymous said...

I continue to think of your family daily, hourly and pray for your continued strength. You and sweet Clara have and continue to teach us all so much. We love you and hope the Lord will give you peace.

Melissa

Leigh said...

Bless your hearts . . . You're in my thoughts and prayers always. Sweet little Clara . . . and Kate. All of you. May you be blessed with peace and comfort from above, from our Father. Love to you all.

blindblogger said...

We pray for you every day in our family prayer. Hopefully you feel the strength of it somehow. Thank you for sharing these thoughts and the picture.

LKP said...

There are no words of comfort that seem to come close enough to fitting here, at least none that I can find. What a sacred gift to have witnessed so many miracles, both large and small. My mind is humbled by this, and is reminded of the truth & power of the testimony in D&C 18:10. He is most definitely in the details, we just have to look for His signature...and you guys a doing exactly that, seeking, on a regular basis. Love you all! ::hugs::

Cajsa said...

We love you guys. Your family is an amazing example. Still praying for all of you.

Stephanie said...

My thoughts and prayers are with your family and Clara each and every day.

Jodi said...

Love you guys! Thank you for sharing your journey, and through that your testimony with us. Truly humbling. Thinking of you always.

Marilyn said...

Thank you Natasha for sharing your struggle, your thoughts, and your testimony with us. It strengthens me. Your family is a great example to us all.

Megan said...

You don't know us, we are in 10th ward but we pray for little Clara often and hold your family in our thoughts. My little 4 year old remembers Clara in his nightly prayers and what a strong spirit a 4 year olds words bring. Bless you Clara for being an angel in the lives of so many and teaching us how to be a little closer to what Heaven must be like in our families and interactions. God bless you Clara and family.

Mommy said...

You do not know me but somehow I found your blog. My daughter died almost two years ago. She had a heart defect and we watched her fight before she finally died. I cant tell you how many prayers I prayed to just let her go home to our Heavenly father and yet she stayed because her work was not yet finished. We did feel immense relief and grief when she died. I too have thought what to do for mothers and fathers who go through this. It tears at everything in your heart and yet the Savior is so close. Praying for you and your family. Love ,Michelle Jensen

Anonymous said...

I'm from Malaysia. I found your blog via another blog (forget the name). Every day i'm longing to hear how's Clara. Please hug Clara for me. I will always remember her and all of you in my prayer.

Ivy P Motuyang

Antonio Uriarte said...

I found your blog though the Mexico Tijuana Facebook page. My heart goes out to you. My wife and I lost our twin daughters after 10 days of being born. Despite it, I won't pretend that I fully understand what you are going through. All I will say is that of you ever need to talk to somebody, my wife and I will listen. Nothing surpasses the pain of seeing our children slipping away. I am truly grateful for Christ and the Atonement. We have found peace and comfort in the knowledge that we will see our sweet girls again. We will pray for you and your family.

Dave and Sue said...

So sad to read about Clara's last battle. I can't imagine the struggles and pain that you must be going through. We pray for your family. Your example of faith in the presence of such a trial is amazing. We are so lucky to know of the plan of salvation that will allow you to have your dear Clara again. We have come to love your family from afar. May you experience the blessings of a loving Father in Heaven.
Love Dave and Sue

Tam~n~Fam said...

You don't know me either, but I'm in Pasco 1st ward. I have followed along your journey through your blog and updates on Facebook. Your strength leaves me speechless and the grace that your family is enduring this experience is truly humbling. I know how each little hurt my kids have just breaks my heart. I can't even imagine what your family has gone through loving and suffering with sweet Clara. You are in my prayers! Thank you for your wonderful examples. And I pray for peace and comfort to you all.

Wendy said...

Thank you for sharing. Clara has the strength of her mother. You both are admirable. Constantly in my mind & heart. You are strengthening others along your way. Thank you.

dixie said...

We love you all and continue to pray constantly for angel Clara. Hugs all around.

Dawn said...

God bless your sweet and faithful family. Dear Clara. Big hugs and love to you all.

Laurene said...

I too have faithfully checked here and hesitated from asking those who know you for updates. I trust that Clara is as pain free and comfortable as possible. I am so very sad for all of you to have to endure so much agony for such a very very long time. I am grateful for your testimonies, strength and faithfulness and the closeness you feel to our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ, but it is all so unfathomable to me. Our prayers are with you.

Kris said...

I have tears in my eyes as I have learned of the news this morning and see this sweet picture of 2 sisters. Your family is incredible. I am touched by your faith and love and testimony. Thank you for sharing this sweet moment. May you find peace and comfort this day and always.

Tommy Haws said...

You do not know me or my family but your husband was kind enough to share your concern on a BYU message board. Please accept my heartfelt gratitude for your example of faith and strength. Clara has been on a mission of sorts, touching our lives many hundreds of miles away. All my prayers with you and your sweet family during your trial and loss.

Anonymous said...

Know that many grieve with you the loss of your beautiful daughter and many rejoice as she returns home today. As a parent of an "angel", I know the emotions you are going with. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I have followed Clara's story faithfully and cry along side your family, although I don't personally know any of you. May God bless your family at this time.

Angela said...

I don't know your family personally but a friend gave me the link to your blog because we lost a daughter (age 4 ) to neuroblatoma (4 yrs ago) as well! I read your blog with my heart wrenching, remembering so well and relating so well to so much.... Unfortunately, you are a part of the "grieving club" who have lost children and it is HARD! I remember so well how our daughter hung on for so long in her last days... weeks! We also felt relief when she finally passed (we had been preparing for such a long time) and then the reality hit that we would never see her again... Just know that your family is in my prayers in such a difficult time.. with understanding...!!

Jennell Marks said...

I don't know you, but saw someone post this blog site with a prayer request a few weeks before Clara's passing. I have been praying for you and your family ever since. Please know that you are loved and prayed for as you face your first Christmas season without Clara. I can only imagine how hard that must be. Having lost my little brother a few years ago, I do know that each year is slightly easier, but still has it's challenges and pain. I am praying for peace for you and your kids as this season is not what they probably anticipated it being.