This post is full of straight talk. I need to tell it like it is and try and share what's going on behind the public smiles of Brian and I. Someday, somewhere, someone may read this and know they are not alone in the heartache of losing a loved one, even a child.
Clara is ready for a conclusion to this pain and suffering. And we are ready to have her free of pain and distress. It's more than our hearts can bear. I don't understand how or why she is still able to endure, but the pain in her face will surely be with me as long as I live. How I long for the day when I am reunited with a sweet, happy and twinkle eyed 3 year old girl. I really do believe when I see her in heaven she will be 3! I can't wait.
The medical professionals (and her family!) are stumped she's still hanging on. So many times we've been prepared for her passing. The signs are present and yet we wake up every morning and she's still there beside us. Our Clara has always been a fighter and so we aren't completely surprised she is fighting to her death with all that is raging in her body. She has several lumps on her head that are only getting bigger. Just this morning we discovered many lumps in her abdomen. And with her yellowed skin we can only guess it means a failing or affected liver. All day and night long she wants us to rub her tummy, arm or leg. She is thin and frail. Every bone in her body is visible. Walking is painful and at this point she can only handle a few steps a day. Two weeks ago she reached the point of being unable stand up by herself when she bends over to pick something up, stuck in a bent position. She refuses to take oral pain meds and the patch is only taking the edge off her pain. She won't even look at herself in the mirror anymore. The sadness in her eyes is heart breaking.
This has been and continues to be a trial of my faith. Amidst the tiring and trying days of watching Clara suffer and caring for her there have been many tender mercies. I know God is there. His love is abundant. He is hearing my pleadings to release her. We are being sustained and strengthened in our refiner's fire.
And it's true: Life isn't fair. But, I never thought it was. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is real. I know it is through our faith in Him and the infinite Atonement that we are able to endure.
If you pray for Clara, join with us in praying for her release from her pain that she may soon find rest in heaven. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.